I have another blog out here in cyberspace (Making it, His Best) that I started back in 2008 or so to capture my thoughts. Much like I am doing with this blog. My last blog post on that particular blog was in 2012. I have not blogged since then. I started this new blog because I wanted to start blogging again but could not remember the log in credentials of the old page.
As I was reading posts from the other blog, I could identify a couple of things in my writings. First, it was very clear to me, just in my tone and style of writing, that I was a little less experienced and not quite as hardened then as I seem to have become. Second, I realized the sincerity and purity with which I wrote some of those posts. Most of them are masterpieces of grammatical error, but I was typing as the thoughts flowed and wasn't necessarily concerned with its slickness. There was a pouring out of me that seemed to yearn for Christ in the midst of the hindering religious environments I was in. I was able to recount my joys (Blessed Blissfulness, Married!!!) and the feelings of my painful longings (On My Heart, Awkward Position). I will admit, I miss that part of me. The part of me that almost seemed to long for Jesus.
Yes, I was a bit more immature and a little more naive at the time, but I had this reliance on Jesus that can be compared to a child; a young heart. I miss that. I went through a time towards the end of that blog where we (my husband and I) were being ripped from what we are now able to identify as the institutional church. I'll use the example of an old band aide being ripped from your flesh (you know how that can hurt) or new wine bursting from old wine skins. For me, it was painful. I began to become absolutely disgusted with the blatant hypocrisy in this realm of religion and it began to harden me against people in ways I did not know was possible for me. I was bitter and enraged by the fact that those calling themselves servants of the Lord could be satisfied with making things up to suit their own passions and desires, and how many of us ignorant "lay people" had consented to be at their mercy. Although I could see traces of it in the past, there came a point when the covers were completely removed before my eyes and I was left standing aghast as I beheld the lewdness of the exposed carcass of everything I held dear. What I thought was church was not The Church, but merely a very sad semblance of something else altogether.
Did I say how upset I was about it? I didn't discount God, but I'd given up on people. I didn't see any redemptive qualities in mankind at all, not even myself. I was done with folks, but somehow still expected to walk in unhindered fellowship with God. It was so bad for me that I didn't even know if I'd really known God. I questioned my salvation, I questioned my motives, I questioned EVERYTHING! Well, I still believed that God's Word was completely true, but I had NO IDEA what to do with it at that point. I'd shut down. It had even affected my marriage. My husband saw things as a fresh opportunity to connect with the Lord His way while I was stuck in a stupor trying to regain my footing (which seemed to take forever!!!). I exchanged wisdom for caution....and threw every baby out with its dirty bath water.
Eventually, I began to see things as they really were; a blessing instead of a curse. I began to be thankful that God would be gracious enough to rescue me from a cyclical religious system that produced nothing but fleshly displays before the Lord. My heart has begun to soften again, and my fellowship with the Lord and other believers has been restored (Praise the Lord!).
I am hoping for that young heart again. The purity, but with wisdom and without the naivety. That complete reliance on God that, in spite of my negative experiences, is the sustaining source in my life.
I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Philippians 3:12