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Drifting Away from My Core

I will make an honest confession.  I care what people think about me.  Sometimes to my own detriment.  I encountered a  situation today that left me somewhat emotional.  While I attempted to fight back tears, I had to ask myself why I felt so hurt.  When I came to the realization of the origins of those feelings, I let the tears go and cried. I cried, not because of what the person said to me, but I cried due to the realization that I still greatly care about what people think of me and how they view me.  I was heartbroken that this person I have known and loved for years would utter comments towards me that were not in the affirmative because of a difference in opinion, and I was hurt.  My reaction caught me off guard.

I'd done so well pretending not to care how I was perceived by certain groups or individuals and talked big talk like I was ready to let things run off my back like water.  I thought I had shaken the feelings of needing to be liked and accepted by others because of the personal stances I took on certain issues.  I thought I was as strong on the inside as my talk would lead one to believe, but the talk proved to be a smoke screen for something weak on the inside.

What I am talking about here is family.  I love my family.  I grew up with us being fairly close.  I felt the expectation was set early on that we all had to believe the same things and go about life in pretty much the same way, and never deviate too far from the close knit core.  Anyone that dared drift too far in a different direction was deemed an outcast and often gossiped about.  (I have actively participated in some of those gossip sessions).  I was an extension of that core and the core molded me into the woman I would become.

One day, I met and later married a strapping young gentleman that would cause me to inwardly challenge that core.  He and I became a unit, but I was still a part of the core.  The core influenced my decisions and it led to a few problems within said unit.  I had to choose.  My unit or the core.  I chose my unit, and it bruised the core.  However, I was never fully severed from the core.

The deepest parts of me still long for the closeness I once experienced from my core.  I thought I could still be attached while providing a different perspective to it.  Blood is thicker than water, and the core has stood the test of time AND relationships.  How could I completely break free of something so loyal...so seemingly sure?  They'd always have my back and they'd help me make the decisions that were right for ME.  My unit though....my unit cannot survive so long as I remain attached to the core.

I made myself believe I was divested of the thoughts, feelings and mindsets that originated from the core.  Today showed me that I was ever so wrong.  I care that the core sees me not as a threat to it but as a loving former member of it.  I want the core to understand that I have no intention of disrespecting it, but that I want to be free to live my life within my unit after the auspices and precepts of God, outside of the core, and I wanted the core's "blessing" to do so.  In that exact moment, I realized I could not have both.  I had to choose 100% unit or 100% core (whether the core wanted to let me go or not).  There was no in between, but I found myself 70% unit and 30% core, and my heart smote me.  I was unaware that I had allowed my allegiance to the core to detract from my full allegiance to my unit.

As I sit here and type this, there is a knot in the pit of my stomach at the thought of someone in my family reading this and becoming offended at my words, and be cut off from the core rather than making an amicable split from its influence.

The connection I have with the core is not physical.  We all bear physical resemblance and likeness, but the tie that needs to be severed is influentially mental and spiritual.  I still have mad love for my core, but I must leave you now and STRONGLY and EXCLUSIVELY cleave to MY UNIT.

It is all for the love of God!

Comments

  1. Amen Sis.I feel your pain and your struggle. Have been there. I can say that it gets easier, and in some cases better.

    I spent many years ostracized from family members in large part due to the obstacle created by my commitment to the Lord and my submission to my husband (which is a reflection of our commitment to the Lord). However, as the Lord began to heal and strengthen me, I found that I could once again connect with them without feeling like it was changing or influencing me. As you stated, it is the yoke of bondage in you (mental and spiritual influence) which needs to be broken,and once it is, you will be free to interact with them without oppression, even if they haven't necessary changed.

    The beauty of the Gospel is that it is always about us being transformed into the image of Christ (vs. us looking externally at other). Only then can we freely deal with them in love, whether they are relatives or not. Be free at all costs! :-)

    Much love!
    Mia

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    1. Thank you for those encouraging words, Mia! Always on time and always on point. It is almost like a gut punch when you realize things aren't exactly as they appear. Especially when it concerns the areas and strongholds in OUR lives.

      Yet and still....moving onward and upward!

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  2. I was led to this post via the Latter Days blog. I have been blessed in reading it. The Lord has methodically worked with me on a similar issue. My devotion to the Lord has often been challenged by my sense of obligation to 'Christian' friends. Yet, time and again, the Lord has allowed a line to be drawn in the sand so that I would see that there is a distinctive choice to be made: Him or them. I thank the Lord for revealing our 'soul ties' to us, so that we can die to them and live for Him. Blessings to you.
    Joy

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    Replies
    1. I have seen how feeling obligated to anything or anyone other than Christ can bring a lot of unrest to my soul. The Lord has been drawing lots of line for me lately in many areas. I will pray for the grace to continue to respond to Him properly when He draws those lines.

      Thank you for your words, Joy!

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  3. Yes, Amen sister....i too, have been through this heartwrenching stuggle. It is a tearing away & is one of the most painful things I've ever been through. It is as if the Lord was cutting all ambillical cords, getting rid of my co-dependence so I could truly lean on Him. But I had to let go of what I was holding onto in order to take hold of Him. Jesus said to not imagine that he came to bring peace, but a sword, which divides. I know its painful & scary, but.be encouraged my sister, you are sharing in His sufferings & being separated unto Him! May God bless you & give you the grace you need to walk through this time! Thank you for sharing! : )

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    1. YES! Those words are perfect.. cutting the umbilical cord and co-dependence! I was speaking with someone about this after I'd posted this and these are exact words I used. Thank you for the encouragement.

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    2. Awesome...you're so welcome!
      I also found your post through Mia's : )

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